I now have all the time in the world to think… which is the one thing I should not be doing.
Even as a personal pack mule and entertainment for my family in Hong Kong, I can’t help but think, reflect and think again, why people say I can’t change, why I can’t be someone who is loved. I keep wondering to myself, all the times where I lost my temper, why couldn’t I be better?
My mother is right, I have a personality that nobody will like. I always wished that she was wrong, but with what has happened, it is very very evident, that I am destined to be alone forever.
It is a life i have always known, and have always quietly feared even from a young age. The day that I saw that anime when I was 9, something inside me came to the realisation, that I would always be alone. As a child growing up, the world was my imagination, it was mine alone, and with that I was invincible. It didn’t matter if i was lonely, i couldn’t feel it for I had never known what it was like to share my world with someone else.
I got my taste of sharing, and I don’t know whether it was a mistake or not. Because it has ultimately led to this blog. My world, my views based on what I had experienced, my persona built upon the world which I had lived in all this time, to have the pleasure of sharing it with someone else, it was what gave my hollow world a filling. Unfortunately, this same world of mine, is my own demise, it is a world that people are not able to accept, unable to share and help change. It is a world too small, yet too big at the same time, what is comforting in my world is equivalent to that of Escher’s “Convex and Concave” artwork.
It is this day and age, that I won’t have that special someone, who will have the willpower to even bother to help me out of that world.
