Whenever i’m depressed, people often guilt trip me so that I am forced to pretend to feel “better”. It always goes along the lines of them telling me how lucky I am. When I was happier, yes, I felt like the luckiest pesron on the planet. It also made me feel lucky when he told me that he felt lucky and happy to be with me too. Now it makes me wonder, if all that was told to me about feeling happy with me was all lie. Now that i am alone again, more damaged than how i started out as, I wonder if I am so “lucky” that people can’t bear to be with me.
Nobody likes a person who is lucky afterall… everybody likes a person with a sad story, so they can reach out to them, make them feel loved. For all those who live a life like mine, they don’t deserve the love. They don’t deserve to be with anybody, for people like me, we are so “lucky”, that people don’t want to be near us.
I am told so often, that I have lived a very lucky life. I was not born into starvation, into war, I have all my limbs intact, I have a “smart” mind, I have both parents, I had great education, I got myself a cushy job, many people would want to swap with lives with me in an instant. This same lucky life, is the type of life where I believe people grow to despise, it’s the type of life, where I should not be allowed to have what I love. Because if i had what i wanted, people would just tell me that i am ungrateful, that I should rot in hell because I do not know what suffering is.
People only love people who have had crappier lives, so that they can connect and reach out to them, make them feel loved. For those, with lives like mine, do not deserve the love from others, afterall, my life is just too lucky compared to some others.
It makes me wonder, if I had a shittier life, would he have loved me more?
If i were like so and so, had a family of brothers whom I had to support financially, otherwise suffer the wrath of my parents, live in a country by myself with little to no knowledge of the language, but at the same time, come out a survivor, be my own flipping hero to my own flipping life by being smart and getting a highly paid job that everybody knows of, and needs in their company.
If I were like so and so, who had a family who hated me, and I was smart enough to leave the family and make a life for myself, get a house by the age of 23, and have a great job which would easily support myself. Then would I get the love I wish I deserved?
The answer is no.
What also needs to be in the equation is a personality of an angel. To be the perfect being where I could not be annoying, even if i tried. That everything that came out of my mouth was sweet soothing music that would’ve made him feel like everything was okay again. To be like her, where I was not to be selfish, but to be completely selfless, and sacrifice my very being for the happiness of the others.
Being aware of my “lucky” life which people had drilled into me all my life, I have grown to despise myself, and all I have ever wanted, was to change myself so that I could be loved. I learned to love myself and at the same time I sacrificed what i could, stood there by his side when he was ill, injured. Gave up everything I had to show what I could do. But alas, the “lucky” life I live, the personality i have is still no match for her, because in the end, I am me. Someone who is not deserving of him. Because ironically, in the end, I was not independent enough like her, to know what it is like. And in the end, it was because SHE was not given the fair chance.
And so now, i’m back to square one, more damaged, uglier, older. Even less deserving of anything I want in life, no matter how hard i try, like how i did to try to make my life a little better all this time, i will never be allowed to have that love I had..
