Don’t feel sorry for me, feel sorry for the person who loves me. Feel sorry for the family who has to deal with me. Feel sorry for the people who have to interact with me.
Looking at photos of myself, I look annoying now, there is absolutely nothing, no life, no shape. My smiles crooked, forced and horrifyingly fuggly. No amount of makeup, photoshop and careful posing will fix it. There is no beauty. My face looks so annoying and unsightly that I can’t even bear to see my own face as a display pic on facebook anymore. No wonder there is no love felt for me anymore, just the mere imagination of my pathetic face will make anybody want to leave me and run away as far as possible. I can’t even stand the sight of my own face. The only time i Iook in the mirrow now, is to chastise that stupid unhappy asian face that stares back at me. How ugly she is, how stupid and how useless she is for not even being able to make a person happy. That face, that body that stares at me through the mirror is so useless, all it’s good at doing is taking up space and using up precious air. It would probably be more useful as a corpse, to feed the fish or make the flowers and grass grow.
I’m rotting now, just as you wished. Surely you are happy now? With your new lady, new life.
I’m back on my own, older, none the wiser, even uglier than when i first started out. Surely that will make you happy now, you no longer have my ever annoying presence to fill your house. No longer have to ever hear my annoying voice and ‘abnormal’ thoughts. You now have your peace and quiet to find your one and true “perfect”, weaker, smarter, more independent female version of yourself. A version of someone where you will never feel “annoyed” at.
I keep on vainly taking photos of my own face, maybe i’m still hoping to see that someday there will be a shot that will capture something that resembles life and beauty in me?
I was told to look inward, so now that I am on my own, I have all the time in the world to look at myself. And no matter how deep I look, I only see how ugly my personality is…the depth of ugliness that this body holds is amazing. It really does fool some people.
My recurring throughts, rather than waiting for 5-10 years for my face to get ugly, I sometimes feel I should just get it over and done with, disfigure it on the outside to suit my personality within. If that is so, then I’ll no longer have to try and be beautiful to fool people into liking me, because i know my face will no longer look nice, no matter how hard i try.
I’ve been told that your chances are “getting slim” now as you are getting older. Then I apologise, for wasting away all your precious chances.
